


The In-Betweens

by KinDeKe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bickering, Canon Compliant, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Domestic, Fix-It, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Headcanon, Jealousy, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), Pining, Purgatory, Sex in/on the Impala (Supernatural), Sharing a Bed, Slow Build, They deserved better, Wing Kink, featuring:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:56:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 18,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28501125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KinDeKe/pseuds/KinDeKe
Summary: You know how this story goes. The one about Dean Winchester, saving people and hunting things with his brother Sam. And the angel Castiel, who gripped Dean tight and raised him from perdition. Fighting for free will. Being lost and found and changed forever. You love this story, you hate this story. But do you know all of it?This is the story of how Dean Winchester fell in love with the angel Castiel.A series of ficlets set during season 4-15. Un-betad.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 26
Kudos: 104





	1. Late 4x02 “Are You There, God? It's Me, Dean Winchester"

**Author's Note:**

> THEN  
> Dean has made a deal, gone to hell, been brought back and met an angel. As if you didn’t know that already.

NOW

_“I dragged you out of Hell. I can throw you back in.”_

With those words the angel disappears and Dean is left completely confused.

When Dean first met Castiel he did what he always does upon encountering something new and scary, he tried to kill him.

Well, technically the first time they met would have been in hell but Dean doesn’t remember that. The second, third and fourth time they met would have been when Castiel was chasing Dean across three states, appearing as a piercing screech and a literally blinding light. But the first time that counted, when Castiel walked in under a rain of electric sparks and professed himself an angel of the lord, Dean tried to kill him. It didn’t take, of course.

The second actual time, however, is different.

Dean dreams of a fluttering sound that his sleeping mind immediately knows as the sound of an angel’s wings. He wakes and there, leaning against the dingy kitchen sink in Bobby’s house, is his angel. _The_ angel, not his. In fact, Dean doesn’t really want to accept that it’s an angel at all, though he does already believe. There’s a feeling of familiarity. Like maybe he somehow remembers him from hell after all. That’s the kind of thing it’s best not to think about.

So this self-professed angel is standing there in the same ridicules tan trench coat as last time, leaning like he’s casual as you please, and starts a conversation. There should be lights blowing out, a storm shaking the house, booming commands. Instead there’s just the two of them talking and not one minute in Dean finds himself threatening to kick the angel’s ass. The angel throws his arms up and smirks like Dean is frustrating him but in a kind of amusing way and that’s when Dean remembers that this angel can knock people out with a touch and is immune to the demon blade and who knows what else. It’s something he feels he should have remembered, much, much sooner. And yet, what he wants is to make the angel sigh and roll his eyes again. Poke at him until that marble façade breaks.

When the angel tells him Lucifer might walk free Dean’s stomach drops, but when the angel steps close and says those last threatening words in his low voice Dean doesn’t feel anything close to fear. He feels that the angel stands too near and leaves too soon, disappearing into thin air.

Dean goes back to sleep on Bobby’s floor. He doesn’t wake Sam, sleeping still on the couch next to him. He doesn’t know why exactly. When he closes his eyes he sees the angel there again, smirking at him.

So Dean’s first or second or third or whatever impression of Castiel is confusion. That’s how it starts.


	2. Late 5x04 “The End”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> The angels are trying to convince Dean and Sam to be part of their fun-times apocalypse, most recently through Zachariah showing Dean the future where Lucifer wins. Cas arrives just in time to get Dean away.

NOW

_“That’s pretty nice timing, Cas.”_

_“We had an appointment.”_

_“Don’t ever change.”_

Cas looks at him, a question on his face but saying nothing, while Dean calls Sam. Dean agrees to meet up three hours south before hanging up and letting himself take a deep breath, immensely thankful to be back.

“Come on, I’ll tell you over breakfast”, Dean says, no way he’s doing this without food.

Dean finds an all-night diner with burnt coffee, rude servers and neon lights. It’s perfect. Cas sits as he always does, like he’s questioning everything and everyone, and it makes Dean smile. It’s one of the dozen comforting reminders that this is his time and his Cas. Dean’s in the seat opposite, already biting into his bacon sandwich.

He tells his story quick and without hesitation. The whole world gone to shit, Sam lost to Lucifer, Cas human and without hope and himself, as ruthless as a nightmare.

“That’s only one possibility”, Cas replies. “Zachariah doesn’t know the future.”

It’s meant as a comfort and Dean takes it as one but he knows, deep down, that this is their true future, should they fail.

There is one part of the story he finds difficult to phrase. He studies the angel across from him. In the time they’ve known each other Cas might have discovered free will but he’s nothing like the wild and crazy of future Cas. Would this Cas turn into that Cas in only five short years, if they lose? Cas, who just last week had them fleeing from an angry prostitute that he’d tried to comfort rather than enjoy his last night on earth with.

In truth, Dean’s hesitation isn’t all about what he saw in the future as much as this unanswered question of what he didn’t see. _“I thought you'd gotten over trying to label me.”_ Future Cas said it when Dean called him a hippie but Dean’s mind took the sentence and ran with it. What other labels had future Dean been trying to put on Cas? It’s probably nothing, he tells himself, and yet he can’t stop wondering. Future Cas had seemed pretty casual about sex, would one of the offending labels have been about sexuality? It must have been. That means straight isn’t a correct label. The more he thinks about it the more certain he is.

Dean himself is no stranger to adding the occasional male to his mix of partners. It’s not something he talks about but not somethings he’s ashamed of, sex is sex in his book and whoever catches his attention is welcome to his bed.

Is the same true for future Cas? Would future Cas and future Dean have.. He doesn’t finish the thought.

“What?” Cas says, a clear indicator that Dean's been looking at him for far too long, because this angel does not easily shy away from long looks.

Dean doesn’t know what to say. This Cas is far, far from future Cas.

“What’s wrong?” Cas says.

Dean coughs once, effectively breaking the train of his thoughts. “We need to win this.”

“We wi-“, Cas says before Dean interrupts.

“You had an orgy, in the future.” Out it comes anyway.

“I see”, says Cas. His stiff, uncomfortable Cas. Then, looking severely at Dean, he continues. “Well, consensual sexual activity is nothing to be afraid of, Dean.”

Dean chokes on his sandwich and starts to laugh. Cas smiles, like he did it on purpose for the reaction. It warms him as much as the coffee. The apocalypse is still coming but at least it hasn’t happened yet and they have a chance to stop it.

Future Cas certainly was less stiff but his smiles had an edge of desperation. Dean much prefers his Cas’ rare and reserved smile.


	3. Post 5x14 “My bloody Valentine”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Dean has lost hope that they will find another way to stop Michael and Lucifer.

NOW

_“Please...I can't...I need some help. Please?”_

Dean doesn’t know who he expects to answer. The almightily absent god? His dead mother? No one, probably. But he does get an answer, from an angel.

It’s some time later. Dean is sitting on the ground in Bobby’s junkyard, his back leaning against the Impala, the bottle in his hand all-the-way empty. The world has temporarily stopped spinning but maybe that’s not a good thing.

“Dean.”

Here is the answer: His own name in the dark, gravelly voice of his angel. Cas looks down at him, the perfect image of the stiff-backed soldier, but then he takes a seat on the ground next to Dean.

“He’s resting for the moment”, Cas says.

In reference to Dean’s relapsed blood-junkie brother who is locked in the panic room at present. Sam hungers for demon blood, Dean for nothing. There is no way they’re going to win.

“Good”, he replies. Or he tries to but it comes out as a croak and he has to clear his throat and try again. “Good.”

Cas’ eyes are such a crazy blue. Dean has met Jimmy Novak, the actual owner of this particular set, but the eyes didn’t have that intensity when Cas wasn’t behind them.

“How’re you?” he says, changing the path of his thoughts.

“Full”, Cas says half-smiling. Cas’ vessel had a hunger for food when Famine hit them. A moment later he speaks again. “I wish I could make you feel better, Dean.”

No stupid questions or empty encouragements, none of that bullshit. It sucks, they both know it and don’t pretend otherwise.

Normally Dean’s misery wouldn’t want company but with Cas he doesn’t mind, prefers it even. They’ve only known each other a year but Dean feels more comfortable with Cas than just about anyone these days.

“Cas”, he says. “You’re a good friend.” It comes out more than a bit slurred but it’s clear enough. “And your eyes are really blue.” The second part also comes out clear enough that Cas will have no trouble understanding the words, unfortunately. Even more unfortunate, it seems Dean’s month isn’t done there. “’Ey match your tie.”

“You’re a good friend too”, Cas repeats, comforting.

“Yeah?” Dean says, already knowing the answer, already leaning closer.

Cas doesn’t move. But he is looking, those blue eyes blurry now that Dean is so close but still intently trained on Dean.

Without finesse Dean leans his head down and draws a breath, his mouth on the side of Cas’ neck. He moves his lips over the exposed skin in a way that isn’t a kiss but doesn’t have another name. Finds the trench coat to be in the way and struggles to keep his balance while pushing the fabric down Cas’ shoulders. Eventually he succeeds and the coat falls to the ground, still attached to Cas’ lower arms. Still, Cas doesn’t move.

“Cas”, Dean says and the name triggers a puff of a breath from Cas that Dean’s liquored mind takes as a reason to say the name again, this time with his lips touching a stubbly jawline, only inches from where he’s going. “Cas.”

At his name the second time around Cas draws a breath in, closes his beautiful blue eyes and speaks.

“You’re upset.”

Yes. Obviously. Dean has been raised from the dead to fight the devil. Even before that, he and his brother were created as vessels for Michael and Lucifer to bring about the apocalypse. That is the end and it’s all downhill from here. Obviously, he’s upset and doesn’t feel the need to answer the angel. His angel. Except Cas is still as a statue and not breathing and when he opens his eyes again they’re unsure.

Dean pushes back and up to a standing position, the dizziness returning full force. Cas stands as well, still so close but still tense and with his coat hanging from his hands. Cas’ blue eyes soften and he opens his month.

“Sorry, man”, Dean hurries to say before Cas can get a word in. “I’m-“ He doesn’t finish the sentence but gestures his arm in a way that might mean insane, might mean drunk to the point of throwing up. He’s already stumbling towards the house, leaving Cas standing still.

It’s clear he read Cas from the future wrong, or his Cas isn’t there yet, or worse.

When Dean wakes in the morning he pretends he doesn’t remember. They don’t talk about it and he doesn’t think about it. Much.


	4. Post 6x10 “Caged Heat”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Dean is back on the road following a year spent living with Lisa after stopping the apocalypse. Cas, meanwhile, is fighting a war in heaven against Raphael to prevent him from restarting the apocalypse. Oh, and Cas just kissed Meg.

NOW

 _“I wish circumstances were different._ _Much of the time I’d rather be here.”_

Not four hours later Cas shows up in Dean’s motel room. Sam is off doing whatever it is one does at night without a soul and Dean is all alone, flipping through the same useless book he’s checked ten times already, when Cas flutters in.

Dean stands immediately. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. Sorry to alarm you.”

Cas still sounds weary but not panicked and Dean’s worry settles. In its stead comes the familiar hurt. He’s tried to let it go and thought he was doing pretty well earlier today but it’s late and he’s tired and that anger is always just below the surface.

“Then why are you here?” It comes out sharp.

Cas left him right when he needed him most. For a whole year Dean played the part of happy, normal suburbia man while breaking inside and not once did Cas come by to say hello. Time in heaven works differently, Dean knows, maybe friendship in heaven works differently too.

Cas takes a breath. “For company”, he says.

Of course, at this Dean’s hostility evaporates. This is his friend; Cas doesn’t deserve Dean’s anger. He means to say so but what comes out is: “Sure you don’t want to find Meg then?” He makes a suggestive face like it’s a joke but his tone is too bitter to be convincing.

“Yes. I’m sure”, Cas says flatly.

This is when Dean needs to change the topic. Who Cas kisses is none of his business and not important and he has more willpower than getting stuck obsessing over this.

“You really kissed her”, he says. He doesn’t actually have any willpower.

“She kissed me first. It seemed like the thing to do.”

Cas is still standing in the middle of the room with his arms at his sides, in his trench coat and tie, saying everything in that face-value-tone of his. The stupid thing is that Dean is still standing too, much too close now that it’s clear there’s no crisis, it’s been clear for a while.

Instead of backing off and sitting down at the desk again Dean reaches out to punch Cas’ shoulder with a smirk. “Such a ladies man.”

Dean can’t let it go. The truth is he thought maybe the story would go another way now that they’ve stopped the apocalypse, but apparently not.

At this, Cas’ stony surface cracks and he meets Dean’s eyes with a smirk of his own. “Yes. I’ve learnt a great deal since being on earth.”

All of a sudden Dean can’t stand it. That Cas left Dean alone. That when Meg kissed Cas he kissed back, because it seemed like the thing to do. That haunted look that doesn’t ever really leave Cas’ face these days. How close they´re standing. It’s all too much. 

“Tell me about heaven”, he says, voice low.

Cas’ half-smile fades. “Can we talk about something else? Just for a few minutes.”

“You know we’d help, I’d help with anything?” He puts all his weight into it, let Cas know he means it.

“I know”, Cas says and looks away. “I have to get back.”

“Okay-“, Dean starts but Cas flutters away before he finishes. “See ya.”

In the emptiness of the motel room he feels the anger start to work its way back.


	5. Post 7x17 “The Born-Again Identity”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Dean has spent the season angrily missing Cas, who died when the Leviathans escaped Purgatory. Except now Cas is back. This is set a week after they leave Cas at the mental hospital with Meg.

NOW

“Dean.”

Dean is in Bobby’s kitchen putting away groceries. He knows this is a dream because not only is the house standing but he can also see Bobby outside the window, alive and well, taking to Sam. He smiles and turns around, facing the new arrival.

“Hey, Cas”, he says.

Cas is standing there, not in Emanuel’s pullover or the hospital’s pajamas, but in Jimmy’s old white shirt and tie, his face serious. Dean dreams of Cas often enough but this feels different.

“Back to dream walking, huh?” he says as flippantly as he can but his voice goes tight.

Cas looks at him in that intense way of his but doesn’t answer.

Dean has never been good at recognizing his emotions, he knows what they feel like, not their names. He knows the good ones from the bad ones but they come in confusing messes, the recipe never exactly the same as before. The one emotion he’s most familiar with is anger. 

He’s angry that Cas left him alone after they locked Lucifer in the cage, angry Cas made a deal with Crowley instead of coming to Dean, angry that Cas broke the wall in Sam’s mind, angry that he died, angry that he came back only to leave again. All that anger; he should hate him and be done with it. But he doesn’t.

Not because of the times he’s saved Dean’s life or the times he’s chosen Dean over heaven or saying he’s sorry and that he’ll find a way to make it up to Dean and taking Sam’s insanity from him. No. It’s the feeling of Cas smile, his voice, his eyes meeting Dean’s. These aren’t all good feelings, they hurt. He doesn’t know their name.

“Are you?” Dean says, more breath than sound. Are you okay, are you here, are you with me? He doesn’t know where exactly his question is going.

“Dean”, Cas answers, or not-answers.

Hope. Regret. Fear. Doubt. Relief. Guilt. Upset. Irritation. Joy. Disappointment. It could be all of them or none of them. They’ve been chasing him, closing in, threatening to break him and now they’re out in full force. He tries to check himself.

“I called Daphne to let her know what happened”, he says.

Actually he told her Emanuel had died. She’d been sad but sort of unsurprised. He watches closely for Cas’ reaction but he doesn’t give one. It boosts the messy combination of feelings.

“Well, do you want to tell me why you’re here?” Dean says, finding his normal voice again.

At this Cas turns, as if to leave.

“Don’t go!” It comes out sounding desperate, add it to the list.

Cas turns back to him. “Dean”, he says once more, and then he’s gone.

Dean wakes up gasping and shoots out of bed. He grabs his phone off the night stand and takes off running. At Sam’s room he throws the door open, as always expecting the worst but Sam is sleeping soundly, like he has been for most of the past week. Already he’s dialing Meg. She answers on the third signal, Dean’s stomach in absolute knots.

“Is he awake?” That mix of emotions makes his voice loud.

The answer, when she at long last gives it up, is no. Cas is still in a coma.

This feeling isn’t anger. He doesn’t have a name for it but just like the others it hurts.


	6. Post 8x02 “What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Dean and Cas end up in Purgatory after they beat the Leviathans. Dean gets out. Cas does not.

NOW

_“He thinks people I don’t need any more end up dead.”_

_“Dean, that’s not true. You know that.”_

Sam’s taken over the driver seat some time ago and it’s pitch black outside the car window but still Dean can’t fall asleep. His mind wanders back to Purgatory, back to finding Cas.

***

When it gets too dark for Dean to see a damn thing they stop in a random section of the endless woods. Not to sleep or recover, there’s no need for that in Purgatory, but simply so Dean doesn’t have to stumble on every root and rock in the forest and make a whole lot of noise. Also, it’s just nice to sit for a while. For however long the monsters let them.

For the first night since arriving in Purgatory, Dean doesn’t pray. He doesn’t have to, Cas is there with him.

“Damn, it’s good to see you”, Dean says, looking at Cas.

“And you”, Cas says, meeting his gaze.

Dean smiles and sits down, leaning his back against a boulder. He gestures for Cas to sit next to him and he does. 

“Feels weird, not praying to you. Kind of got into the habit”, Dean says.

Cas is silent so long that Dean doesn’t think he will answer but then, in a soft voice, he does.

“It was my favorite part of every day, when you prayed to me.”

Dean throws an arm across his shoulders and pulls him close, Cas lets him. Without questioning it he places his lips on Cas’ temple, like a kiss. He simply wants to and sees no reason not to. Cas turns his head slightly, looking at Dean in his stoic way, giving no clue as to what he’s thinking but not pulling away either. Benny shoots them a look from where he’s standing watch but he doesn’t comment and Dean finds he doesn’t care anyway. He feels stripped free of worries.

The next night they stop again and Cas sits close again when Dean indicates he should.

“Today was a good day”, Dean declares.

“Today was good?” Cas says.

All three of them are bloody and beaten.

“We’re all alive, aren’t we?” says Dean. “That’s a good day.” And then he throws his arm over Cas’ shoulders just like yesterday, pulls him close just like yesterday and presses his lips to Cas’ temple. Just because he feels like it.

The third night goes much the same but this time before Dean can Cas says: “Let me guess, today was a good day?” And Benny says: “You’re insane.”

The forth night they get chased off by a pack of vampires just as Dean has once again called it a good day and kissed Cas’ temple. He doesn’t mind. Fighting in the dark is harder but Benny and Cas are right there by him.

By the fifth night Cas is already sitting close without being asked. Leaning towards Dean before he’s really started pulling, presenting the side of his head like a question. And Dean answers.

“Man, I don’t know about this spot, feels to open”, Benny says.

“You worry too much, old man”, Dean says.

“If only you weren’t so god damn clumsy we could keep going”, Benny says.

It makes Dean smile. Benny is already smiling. Cas doesn’t say anything, just sits pressed closed to Dean’s side, warm and comfortable.

This is Dean’s Purgatory.


	7. Mid 8x07 “A Little Slice of Kevin”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> And then Cas is back from Purgatory too.

NOW

_“Hello, Dean.”_

There, behind him in the mirror, is Cas. Worn and weathered but undeniable real.

Dean spins around and has his arms around Cas faster than he can think. A strange sensation of homesickness washes over him. He goes to turn his head, to press his lips to Cas’ temple like he has already countless times, but stops. That’s not for here. Instead he lets him go, steps back and calls out.

“Sammy, look who’s here!”


	8. Late 9x06 “Heaven Can’t Wait”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Cas is tricked by Metatron to cause all the angels to fall and himself to become human. Dean tricks his brother into being possessed by an angel to survive. In this episode, Dean has visited Cas when working a case nearby.

NOW

_“Where to, Cas?”_

Cas has a lost look on his face that somehow leads Dean to buy him food and take him back to Dean’s own motel room. There’s an old horror movie marathon playing and they both settle in on the big double bed. When they’ve finished the food and all the beer the marathon is still going. Dean checks the minibar and among some really funky stuff he manages to find a tiny bottle of whiskey and another of rum. He offers both to Cas who looks at him until Dean thrusts the rum at him and keeps the whiskey for himself. This time when he gets on the bed he ends up much closer to Cas, who’s now mostly lying down.

“It’s been pretty rough, huh?” Dean says, breaking a very long silence.

“It’s alright”, Cas says now but that’s not what he said when Dean first surprised him in the Gas'n'Sip.

“Well any situation can be made better with good company, a good movie and good booze.” He lifts his little bottle and toasts Cas’ own. “Or at least as close to it as you can get.”

“It’s been lonely.”

Dean nods. ”Wanna hear something truly fucked up?” he asks but doesn’t wait for an answer. “Sometimes I still miss Purgatory. It was easy there.”

Cas looks up. “Easy?”

“Yeah. Kill or be killed. No doubt, no guilt. Just being in the moment. Do or don’t.”

“It was not my favorite place”, Cas says and smiles a little until Dean does the same. “But I understand what you mean.”

Dean sighs. “It’s always something, isn’t it? Crowley or Naomi or Metatron. Just, always something.”

“Seems so”, Cas says seriously.

Dean lets his legs fall to the side so his knee is touching Cas’ leg. Cas doesn’t move away.

“I feel like I let you down”, Dean says, because it’s all coming out now.

Cas looks so damn human with his messy hair and wrinkled eyebrows. “How?” he says.

Dean swallows, but plows on. “Back when we met, during apocalypse-times, I made you choose humans over angels and it’s all been shit since then.”

“Consequences of my _shit_ choices. My choices. I may not like the outcome but I like the freedom”, Cas says.

“I guess.”

“And it’s not been all bad.”

“No?”

“Well, I had a very rewarding period as a bee keeper.” Cas’ eyes sparkle just the same without his grace.

“Too soon”, Dean says, trying to keep a straight face.

“It’s been over a year”, Cas says, and he actually looks somewhat happy.

“Too soon, man”, Dean repeats, on principle.

“Getting to know you was alright too, I suppose.”

The place where they’re touching is no more than a square inch, through the fabric of both of their pants, and still the heat is intense and pulling at Dean’s attention.

“I’m sorry Metatron tricked you, but I’m glad you didn’t close heaven”, he says quietly. That day still cuts Dean. Realizing he was about to lose both Cas and Sam all at once, he'd panicked.

Cas scoots further down on the bed, twists but keeps their knees touching. Dean struggles to keep breathing. Cas has him hypnotized with his stare but then Cas looks down.

“She made me practice killing you, over and over and over. Hundreds of times.”

Dean blinks, not really remembering what they’re talking about. “Who? Naomi?”

“And I did it, without hesitation eventually.”

Cas still hasn’t looked up and a darkness has swept over him so Dean reaches an arm out to push gently at his shoulder. “Hey. I’m here”, he says.

Cas does look up at this.

“I killed hundreds of copies of you. But they weren’t you. That was Naomi’s mistake.” A small smile sneaks across his lips. “She couldn’t ever make them as infuriatingly stubborn as you.”

It’s not exactly a compliment but Dean’s heart takes it as one, not really a joke but Dean’s mouth takes it as one – already smiling wide.

“Damn right”, he says.

They’re closer now. Foreheads only inches apart. Dean’s not sure when that happened, or how.

“I watched you rake leaves.” Cas voice is so low Dean can barely hear him, despite how close they are.

“What?”

“It was just after you’d lost your brother and started a new life for yourself with- I couldn’t drag you down with all my problems. So I tried to bring your brother back for you and stay away. Mistake number one.”

Cas sounds regretful but Dean’s brain sticks only on one thing.

“You came?”

To know that he hadn’t forgotten Dean, to know that he was there… It’s been years and a night full of confessions but this one fills Dean with one of the good feelings. He wants to tell Cas about Ezekiel but doesn’t because it will be a reason for Cas to be mad at him and he doesn’t want that. Not now.

“I’m sorry you’ve been lonely”, he says instead.

“I don’t understand why you like monster movies”, Cas mutters, as blood splatters on the TV screen.

Sometime between one monster movie and the next Dean falls asleep.

***

“Wake up.”

For once Dean isn’t immediately fully alert but instead gets stuck in a confused state of half-awake where he thinks he must still be dreaming. It’s Cas on the bed beside him, Cas who’s whispered him awake. But then he comes-to fully and remembers.

“You have to drive me to work, Dean.”

It’s such a normal sentence that sounds so strange to Dean. A life never lived.

He gets up, still in last night’s clothes. Cas is also dressed, everything but the blue vest that’s still in Dean’s car.

Dean clears his throat. “So, this boss-woman, the reaper-lady, that’s what you want?”

“What do you mean?” Cas stands there watching him, for an angel who’s practically as old as time itself, an angel who’s done some pretty bad stuff, he looks innocent.

“Nothing.”

Dean makes Cas accept some money, wishes him well and drives him to work this one and only time.

_“Listen, Cas… Back at the bunker... Sorry I told you to go. I know it's been hard on you, you know, on your own. Well, you're adapting. I'm proud of you.”_


	9. Post 9x18 “Meta Fiction”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Cas is back in action with stolen grace, hunting Metatron. Dean has taken the Mark of Cain in hopes of defeating Abaddon. In this episode Cas finds out.

NOW

_"What have you done?"_

_"It's a means to an end."_

_"Damn it, Dean."_

It’s midday by the time Dean and Sam arrive back at the bunker. They’ve not slept more than a couple of hours each on the road and by eight that evening Dean can’t keep his eyes open and heads to bed. Unfortunately this leads to him waking up at one o’clock, unable to go back to sleep.

He’s good at ignoring problems and has not spent much energy thinking about the mark but that look on Cas’ face at the sight of it is sticking in his mind. He remembers how happy Cas had sounded before he knew and how troubled after. It stirs up negative thoughts Dean prefers to ignore.

Without conscious thought he picks his phone up from the side table and opens his messages. Cas loves to text. With smileys.

Ever since the night in Dean’s motel back when Cas was human his favorite emoji is the bee, and it makes Dean smile. Every. Damn. Time.

He scrolls up to a message from a couple of days ago.

Too bad you don’t have your wings

I’m out of beer

Yes. I can see how difficult it must be for you. 

Thanks for your sympathy

You know me. Always there to support a Winchester. 

That’s why I like you

Really? I thought it was my exceptionally blue eyes. 

This Dean hadn’t had a reply to. It still makes his heart speed up. After fifteen minutes of silence one final message had come in from Cas. Good night, and one of the fucking bees. Dean smiles.

Further up. A whole row of the bee emoji.

Did you know the honey bee performs the waggle dance to   
let the hive know where to find good flowers? 

I’m sleeping

Bees really are fascinating. 

Uhuh

I’ve never seen you dance. 

Your loss

Indeed. 

Again, Dean hadn’t had an answer. He doesn’t want to name it or push it. He just enjoys it.

Even further up.

You sure you’re ok?

I’m sure. 

You seem to be getting tortured once a week these days

I’m completely fine. Look. 

Then a photo of Cas’ face. Well, half of it. Dean still doesn’t know if Cas was intentionally trying to be funny hinting that the other half was a bloody mess, or if he’s just a crap photographer. Possibly both. It’s an extreme close-up; a stubbly jaw, half a nose, part of an eyebrow. That blue eye looking directly at Dean. He clicks on it to make it fill the whole screen. Doesn’t think and taps it again to zoom and then his phone beeps with an incoming message and he nearly drops it. It’s Cas and he has a panicked moment when he thinks Cas knows he was looking at old messages, at half-faces, like some fool, but of course Cas isn’t all-knowing.

Are you awake? 

Yes

Cas is typing something but no message appears. Several minutes pass with nothing more on Cas’ side than three dots that come and go. Eventually Dean can’t take it.

Do not send a fucking bee

I wasn’t going to. 

This time the message comes quick and Dean smiles, knowing that Cas is probably smiling wherever he is.

You wanna yell at me about the mark, don’t you?

I worry. 

You’re one to talk. Is there a single angel faction that hasn’t  
kidnapped and tortured you?

I have my one faction now. 

What? That’s even worse. You’ll be everyone’s target.

We do what we have to, right? 

That mean you’re not gonna yell at me?

Maybe later. 

Looking forward to it

You would. 

Dean’s in only his underwear but somehow he’s warm and throws the cover off. It's late and he's barley aware of what he’s typing. 

What are you doing?

Writing to you. 

Duh. Where are you?

Outside. We’ve found a location but it’s crowded in there. 

Are you at the bunker? 

In bed

Not tired

If I had my wings 

You could put me to sleep with one touch?

Dean. They’re calling me. I have to go. 

Are you sure you’re okay? 

I’m fine. Completely.

And then Dean takes a fucking selfie. Because he was just looking at that old message and he’s confused and also insane. He makes sure his whole face is in frame as well as his neck and shoulders, making it very obvious he’s not dressed. He sends it without hesitation, likes knowing Cas has that photo of him on his phone, but regrets it immediately. His next breath gets stuck in his throat.

It takes a full minute but Cas does send an answer.

Thank you. 


	10. Post 10x03 “Soul Survivor”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> They beat Abaddon but Metatron kills Dean, who is then turned into a demon. Sam and Cas have just managed to turn Dean back. After, Sam goes out for food and asks Cas to check on Dean.

NOW

_“I’m glad you’re here, man.”_

_“Hey, maybe you should take some time before you get back to work. Allow yourself to heal. I don’t know. The timing might be right. Heaven and Hell, they seem reasonably back in order. It’s quiet out there.”_

With this, Cas closes the door and Dean is left alone in his bedroom. He’s loved this room since he got it, his own space in the world, but now it’s too quiet, too empty. It does feel good to be himself again, damn good, but his skin seems to thin, like the soft, smooth feel after a wound. And his mind brings forth all the violent memories of the past weeks as a demon, and even more dark regrets further back. But more than that it conjures memories of his parents and the few happinesses he’s had in life and a feeling of intense longing. There is just no protection in this room. 

After no more than a couple of seconds he’s reaching for the door.

“Wait!”

Cas is halfway to the kitchen but stops at Dean’s voice.

“I just-“, says Dean and points back to his room, like this is supposed to explain something. Understandably Cas just looks at him, since Dean hasn’t actually said anything and doesn’t even know what he means to say. “I could use some company”, he manages at last.

Cas gives him a long look before answering. “Sam will be back soon”, he says.

Is that it? What about the long story involving Crowley and stolen grace, why not tell it? Why the rush to leave? The questions crowd in Dean’s throat, fighting for first place.

“Who’s the female in your car?” is what he says.

“The angel Hannah”, Cas says.

“The one who wanted to kill me?” She-“

“She helped defeat Metatron. She’s changed, Dean.”

Dean’s feet have without permission started a trek towards Cas and he’s right by him before he notices and stops. “You two have a thing, huh?” He smiles as he says it but he doesn’t feel good about it. Every single time Cas shows interest in someone it shocks him.

“No. I’m simply helping her gather up all the angels remaining on earth.”

Relief. This feeling is relief, Dean’s brain tells him. He pushes the feeling aside and while he focuses on that his feet sneak one last step closer to Cas, he’s inches away now. Cas’ blue eyes are as blue as ever, with an unmistakable energy of grace behind them. It gets to him. Cas being Cas, Dean being Dean, them being here together again after what feels like an eternity. “I’m really glad you’re here”, he says.

Again, Cas turns to go as soon as the words are out of Dean’s mouth.

“You’re leaving? Do you have to leave?” His voice sounds like shit, but he was a demon earlier today so that’s probably okay.

Cas considers him. “You wish me to stay?”

“Yes.”

There it is; the truth. 

“Okay. I’ll talk to Hannah.” Cas starts walking away but stops and looks back. “See you in a little while.”

***

Sam gets back with the food first and they eat. The two of them stay up talking and making plans until they’re both yawning every other sentence and it’s clear Sam needs to rest. Dean heads off to his room as well but he’s still waiting.

It’s hours until, at last, there’s a knock on his door and it slowly opens.

“Sorry it took so long”, Cas says. “Hannah’s gone to check in with heaven. I said I’d pick her up again tomorrow.”

Dean sits up, doesn’t really remember lying down.

Cas starts backing up. “You were sleeping. I’ll go.”

“No.” He wasn’t sleeping. He still feels too raw to settle down, like he’ll bleed to death just from feeling too much. “Come in.”

Cas does and closes the door behind him. Dean stands up by the foot of the bed. It’s quiet all around them.

“Thanks for being here.” This time Cas doesn’t bolt. He simply looks at Dean in that too-long way of his, but Dean is not looking away either. Maybe it’s the way of both of them.

Dean would argue that this wasn’t his plan. He didn’t mean to ask Cas to stay or invite him into his bedroom in the middle of the night. It just played out like that, coincidences and circumstances. But now that he’s here he wonders if maybe he’s lying to himself, if maybe he planned it without knowing it. He’s never felt more open.

He licks his lips, watches Cas watching him.

“You remember that time at Bobby’s, out by the car?”

“Yes.”

“You know what time I’m talking about?”

“Yes.”

There’s absolutely no hesitation in Cas’ responses and so Dean takes a step, leans in like he’s wanted to for years and kisses him.

There is a moment, when he’s less than an inch away, when he’s hit by a sensation of unreality at the fact that he’s actually doing this but then Cas tilts his head and their lips are touching. Just a press of lips. He’s completely sober and kind of sore all over and It’s the best rush he’s ever had.

He takes Cas’ jaw in his hand and surges forward, more eager now and Cas kisses back with the same intensity but his arms hang at his sides and it makes Dean pause. He breaks the kiss and lets go of Cas’ face. Dean’s heart is going wild. He clears his throat.

“You’re gonna have to tell me if you want me to keep kissing you, man.”

Cas stands absolutely still and Dean remembers that blurry night in Bobby’s junkyard. The night he’s tried not to think about just as many times as he’s not been able to keep himself from thinking about it. It’s been five years but it seems he’s misjudged yet again and he’s ready to back away when finally Cas answers.

“I want you to keep kissing me”, he says, just above a whisper, and there’s a smile. A pure, wide, happy smile that has Dean smiling too, from inside and out, so he has to say something.

“You get we don’t do relationships, right? We only do what we feel like? It’s just a thing.” Cas has had shit luck with this stuff so far and Dean doesn’t want to trick him, better be honest. Cas doesn’t look as surprised or disappointed as Dean perhaps expects him to. “You still want to?” Dean says.

“I still want to”, Cas answers.

That’s all Dean needs. He crashes into Cas. This time when Dean kisses him, Cas’ hands find his waist. Just having the warm touch on his thin t-shirt is kind of driving Dean out of his mind, but then Cas’ fingers pull ever so slightly on the hem of the shirt and find a bare strip of skin and Dean’s mind goes blank.

He’s pulling Cas closer, refusing to stop for breath, messing up his hair. Making sure he’s everywhere, leaving no trace of anyone else. Dean’s heart is hammering a hole in his chest at the noises they’re making. And then Cas pushes one hand up underneath Dean’s shirt, making the skin flutter at his touch, while the other hand explores the waistline of Dean’s jeans, dipping slyly inside. Dean feels exposed already and Cas is fully clothed.

“Take it off”, Dean pants, touching Cas’ outer coat.

“You take it off”, Cas says, his voice even darker than normal, eyes not leaving Dean’s.

Dean’s blood makes a sudden dive that has his head spinning. And holy fuck this is not how casual one night stands usually feel but Dean is not complaining. Already he’s pushing coat and suite jacket off Cas, leaving them in a heap on the floor. He starts on the buttons of the shirt but it’s taking too long so he attacks the belt instead. He’s already so fucking hard and then he does what he’s only ever done in fantasies, he steps close so Cas can feel it.

Cas smiles at this but Dean doesn’t take it as an insult because Cas’ hands immediately seek his belt and has it open so fast Dean kind of wonders if he used his powers. Then he shifts their stance a little to let his own very clear erection press into Dean’s leg. And whatever the fuck is wrong with Dean makes him smile too.

He goes back to kissing and undressing Cas and by the time they fall onto the bed they’re both naked. Dean keeps touching every bit of Cas. Eyelids, ears, shoulders. The soft inside of his arms, his lower back, his ankles, it’s all Dean’s. Makes Cas turn this way and that so he can reach and Cas lets him, but if he goes too long between kissing his mouth Cas makes upset noises and seeks his lips again. Dean finds he doesn’t at all mind. Right now, he’ll give Cas whatever he wants.

It’s a long time coming. They’ve not grown up, they’ve just fucked up enough times to call it life experience.

Afterwards Dean is pretty sure he can’t move. And that wouldn’t be so bad, lying on his back in his comfortable bed with Cas’ head on his arm, except he’s really starting to feel like it was too long since he kissed Cas’ mouth and he’s just about found the strength to turn his head when Cas moves to stand. While Dean watches he starts putting his clothes back on. He’s got the pants and shirt on before Dean finds the courage to speak.

“Can you stay here, just tonight?”

“Of course.”

***

At some point during the night Dean wakes up with a start, his head full of dark red memories.

“I’m here”, comes the low, familiar voice behind him.

Dean does not turn around or scoot closer, he simply lies down again. The silence stretches out for a long time before Cas speaks again.

“I found being human quite annoying but I enjoyed sleep”, he says quietly. “I miss dreaming. In my dreams sometimes, in the good ones, you were mine.”

The pressure in his chest isn’t exactly comfortable but it is one of the good feelings, he knows. This time Dean does move an inch or two back on the narrow bed until he has Cas pressed against his back.

“I was so scared that you were lost”; Cas says quietly.

“Thanks for getting me back”, Dean says.

“Dean, I-“ Cas starts, his voice heavy and emotional.

“Don’t”, Dean says.

Whatever it is he doesn’t want to hear it, he just wants the moment.


	11. Post 10x18 “Book of the Damned”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> The Mark of Cain is affecting Dean more and more. There’s a surge of hope when they find the Book of the Damned but ultimately Dean decides they can’t use it to cure him. Oh, and Charlie meets Cas.

NOW

_“Good to have you back, pal.”_

***

It's official, Charlie can make Dean laugh like pretty much no one else. Plus there’s pizza and beer and for the moment Dean doesn’t care about every shit thing coming for them. He just laughs.

Also there’s Cas with his newly restored grace, currently getting the third degree from Charlie. And that’s pretty awesome too. The three of them and Sam are sitting around the kitchen table, getting some much needed R&R.

“If you never sweat, then you don’t freeze either, right?” Charlie is saying. “So what’s with the constant topcoat?”

“My vessel was wearing it when he said yes”, Cas answers.

“So if he’d said yes in the shower you’d be walking around butt naked?”

“That would be inappropriate”, Cas says, but not as straight-faced as he once would’ve.

“So’s a coat inside. Take it off, relax, hang out.” Charlie smiles, clearly pleased with herself.

And Cas does. Charlie doesn’t stop there, though. A short while later she suggests he take his suite jacket off as well. Cas stands to do so, when he sits again his chair is a fraction closer to Dean’s. Dean takes a swig of beer. He’s already warm and buzzing, even though it’s his first one. Then Charlie insists Cas loosen his tie and roll up his sleeves. Cas does this as well, turning to smile quickly at Dean in the process. Dean can’t help but spread his elbows wider on the table, until the outside of his wrist touches the outside of Cas’.

There’s no denying that Cas has been coming to the bunker a lot more regularly lately, and that Dean has made him stay – not the night again, but a while. So what if it’s escalated at an alarming rate. The mark will kill him anyway and dead men don’t hurt so screw it. Literally. But it’s been over a week since he saw Cas and he’s starting to feel kind of itchy.

Dean stretches his leg underneath the table until his foot bumps in to Cas’. Cas gives him a quick look again. Cas isn’t one to make the first move but he’s always interested whenever Dean gives the signal. Being with Cas has turned out to be a lot of fun. Cas is really curious and enthusiastic and, yes, really fucking sweet.

Suddenly Charlie punches Cas’ shoulder, making him jump slightly and break the contact at both wrists and feet. Dean tries hard not to glare. He considers putting his arm on Cas’ chair but manages to refrain himself, running a hand through his hair instead. Charlie is laughing again and Cas smiling, but Dean hasn’t heard what they’re talking about this time. The buzzing in his body has spread to his ears and time is moving so stupidly slow, it’ll be hours before people start heading to bed.

Dean is still trying to figure out what’s going on when Charlie grabs the coat Cas has thrown over an empty chair and starts putting it on. Doing a twirl and a pose that might be an impression. Charlie and Cas both seem to find this very amusing, Sam looking more composed. Dean is undecided, and still confused, and also just... on edge.

Then, Cas drops his hand from the table and, as if accidentally, traces the inside of Dean’s thigh under the table and Dean nearly groans right there in front of everyone. Even after the touch disappears again he bites his tongue for several seconds and then stands, making his chair clatter.

“More beer”, he says, heading off towards the fridge, not looking at Cas, or anyone else.

In the fridge there is in total four beers, exactly one for them each. Freaking fantastic.

“I’ll help you”, Cas says, coming up behind him.

Dean tries to tell himself to chill but instead finds himself pressing against Cas behind the counter when he passes, barely aware of whether Charlie or Sammy are looking. He would worry about how much he wants this but he’s pretty sure it’s because it’s the one thing that without fail stops him thinking about the mark. He heads back towards the table, sets the four beers down and keeps going towards the door.

“Beer run”, he says.

“Dean, we don’t need more. It’s fine”, Sam says.

Dean turns. “You coming?” This towards Cas who’s still by the counter. Then he walks out.

By the time he’s at the garage Cas has caught up, walking beside him, not saying anything but half-smiling. The undeniable want is still ringing in Dean’s ears but he gets in the car and lets the rumbling engine drown it out for a while.

They don’t say anything while he drives, not until a couple of minutes later when Dean makes a left turn.

“Where are we going?” says Cas, looking right.

Dean doesn’t reply and doesn’t stop until he reaches the old factory. It’s not the kind of parking that attracts teenagers looking for a romantic spot so it’s deserted. He cuts the engine, gets out and walks around the front of the car to the passenger side. Cas meets his eyes through the window before he opens the door and steps out. 

For a second they stand there just looking at each other, then Dean takes Cas face in both hands and kisses him. Cas slides his arms around Dean’s waist, holding on. All the rush and now-now-now leaves Dean. He’s satisfied like this.

“You were gone a long time”, Dean says, his voice rough.

Cas looks at him, shrugs. “You made me wait five years, you can wait a week.”

Dean smacks his arm, ignoring what those words mean.

After the first time, Dean wasn’t sure he was gonna let it happen again. It freaked him the fuck out to learn that there already was a made-up word for their relationship among the fans of the cursed books. It was supposed to be their secret. He’d signed up for online dating immediately after thinking: let them write about that instead. That seems like a long time ago. Now it doesn’t matter. With what he knows is coming he might as well have a good time.

Cas lifts a hand and lets his fingertips trace the shape of Dean’s face.

“You are so beautiful”, he says.

“Come on”, Dean says, exasperated.

“Dean, I-“

“Don’t.” He shuts him down, drowning out the sound of the next letter. There are still some lines they shouldn’t cross.

Dean reaches past Cas to open the backseat door.

“You up for it?”

“I could be.”

The too-soft air around them changes instantly, growing heavier and rougher. Dean backs them up until Cas can slide onto the backseat, looking like something out of a fantasy. Shirt and tie lose, eyes their darkest blue, licking his lower lip. Dean follows him inside, pressing his whole body down on top of Cas’ and making the noise he’s been holding in all evening. It feels so fucking good having him here.

“You look hot like this”, he says, because it’s true and because it makes Cas smile.

The seat squeaks when he shifts to kiss Cas while starting on the many buttons on Cas’ shirt, a task he’s sort of come to like. As he goes he slides down kissing a path along Cas’ chest, his legs hanging out the car, probably looking like a fool and not caring.

“Your mouth is amazing”, Cas says, sort of matter-of-fact but his voice shakes slightly.

“Yeah?” says Dean. “So what do you want me to do with my mouth?” He’s down by the last two buttons now. Cas is lifting his hips a little but not saying anything. “Tell me.”

“I want”, Cas says, hesitating not because he’s shy but because he’s this awkward angel who chooses his words way to carefully. “I want your mouth on my penis”, Cas manages finally.

And Dean, because he’s a jerk who takes pleasure in making him squirm, smiles. He’s got the last button open but reaches up to Cas’ mouth and gives him a long kiss.

“Okay”, he says then, sliding down again.

Dean and his life are not made for relationships, he might not get to have people or feelings in the way he’s starting to want to, but he can have this.


	12. Post 11x03 “The Bad Seed”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Just your basic stuff. Dean kills Death. They break the Mark of Cain, releasing the ancient Darkness. Cas is put under a fatal attack dog spell but cured. Afterwards they all huddle in the bunker.

NOW

_“Dean, I can fix that.”_

_“No, no, no. It's fine, Cas. Besides, I had it coming.”_

They all drink their beer in silence. Well, Dean and Sam do, Cas doesn’t have a beer. He doesn’t really like the taste of them, Dean knows, but will accept one when Dean offers. It’s one of the thousands of things Dean sort of wishes he didn’t know.

Dean was prepared to die. Well and truly prepared for the Mark to be the end of him. Yet here he is, with his conscience a couple of sins heavier and no clue how to fix the consequences of their actions. So what else is there to do but drink?

Sam sighs behind him, feeling the burden as heavy as Dean even though he shouldn’t.

He glances as Cas. It feels so fucking good to have him here. It’s like this whole thing with the darkness the past couple of days has been too big to take in but worrying about Cas, that has been real. The not knowing where he was, if he was okay, what was going to happen. Dean knows Cas is still far from fine even though he mostly looks it, but he’s safe and that’s… something. 

After another couple of minutes Sam gets to his feet.

“I’m beat”, he says. “Cas, glad to have you back.” He taps Cas’ shoulder. As he passes Dean on his way out he adds. “It’ll all seem better in the morning. Good night.”

After Sam is gone Cas says: “Please.”

“No”, Dean says. He doesn’t want to be healed, he doesn’t want apologies. He’s done as much damage to Cas, more even. He still sees it when he closes his eyes, Cas saying no and stop and that he’d be the only one left when the Mark eventually made Dean murder the world.

“Stop that”, Cas says. “If I’m not allowed to feel guilty, neither are you.”

Cas reaches across, lays an arm flat on the table towards Dean, hand up. An inviting gesture. Cas looks tired, his brow furrowed, but his gaze is warm and hopeful. And Dean wants to take his hand, of course he does. Manages to be surprised by how much he wants to, even though he’s been heading down this slippery slope for a while. He let it go way too far, thinking he didn’t have anything more to lose. But he lives. And his life is not made for good things.

If this was about sex he’d give in, he knows, but that’s not what he wants. Dean wants to hold and have.

“Sorry”, he says, in the wrong now somehow even though he tried to be clear from the start. “We can’t keep doing this.”

It’s vague but he knows immediately that Cas gets it from the way his jaw twitches and he sits up straighter in his chair, causing the arm on the table to pull away slightly.

“It’s been good but it was only ever meant to be a thing.” This, of course, is not much better. He tries again. “We go back to the way things were. It’s too much otherwise. It’s over. Okay?” Dean asks.

Cas pulls his hand all the way back. Pauses, but only for a couple of seconds. “Okay.”

Okay. Dean goes to his room, keeping the bruises as a reminder of all the pain they can cause each other.

Sam is wrong. It does not at all seem better in the morning. But he knows this is the right thing to do so he goes on.


	13. Post 11x14 “The Vessel”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> The Darkness/Amara is wandering the world. Thinking it’s the only way to stop her, Cas lets Lucifer out of the cage, again, by agreeing to be his vessel. The brothers have just found out.

NOW

_"We hunt Lucifer, trap the bastard, and save Cas."_

_"Like I said. Lucifer may be in control now, but Cas may not come back willingly. I mean he chose it."_

_"No. No, not possible."_

Dean remains sitting as Sam starts walking towards the car. He looks down at the Hand of God, nothing more than a lump of wood now. This was supposed to be their way to beat Amara, instead he had to witness good people die, unable to help them, and come back to find Lucifer in the place of Cas. It really is always something. Another way for the world to end, another way to break them, another reason to give up. 

He remembers saying something similar to Cas when they were both laying on the bed in Dean’s motel room, almost but not quite touching, the memory seeming too good to be true now. And after that, kissing him, again and again and again. It plays like a montage in Dean’s mind, every beautiful time he had Cas laid out before him, wanting him. And he’d ended it. He’d done the right thing.

With a deep sigh he stands up, walking to catch up with Sam, his heart still heavy with memories.

“He was supposed to be safe.”

“When are we ever safe?” Sam says and Dean is honestly surprised to discover he’s spoken aloud.

“We’ll get him back”, Dean says. This is not denial. It’s absolute certainty, Cas wouldn’t leave him. No. He’ll come back.

Another reason to keep fighting.


	14. Post 12x02 “Mamma Mia”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> They stop the world from ending by reuniting Amara and Chuck. As a reward, mother Mary is brought back and, after saving Sam who’s been kidnapped by the British Men of Letters, Mary, Sam and Dean have their first family dinner.

NOW

“You’re late”, Dean says, knowing without lifting his head that those footsteps belong to Cas.

“You’re drunk”, Cas says, stopping on the other side of the kitchen.

Dean’s brother and mother have gone to bed already but Dean is sitting on the kitchen floor, looking at his collection of photographs and thinking. He isn’t drunk though, not much anyway.

He doesn’t think he could sleep if he tried. Getting Cas back from Lucifer, going to his own death to save the world, Sam being gone; it must have been four days he guesses but it all seems like one endless day and it’s all catching up to him now.

Yet, here they are. Cas is back, Dean isn’t dead, Sammy isn’t dead, even their mother isn’t dead, not anymore. It’s the most vulnerable he’s been since he was four years old and didn’t know monsters existed. Good always turns bad. Loving means losing.

“I can’t believe it all worked out”, he says.

“I’m happy for you, Dean”, Cas says.

Cas leans back against the counter, crossing his arms. Dean gets to his feet.

“What took you so long, did you get lost on the way back?

“I wanted to give you time. For your family.”

No, that isn’t right. Cas was supposed to be here, Cas is family. Dean frowns at him. It’s been months since Cas was himself, since before Lucifer, and Dean missed him. Cas glances towards to door like he considers leaving, but stays where he is.

Lucifer’s still out there and he will come for them. Everything Dean has can get taken away but almost losing everything anyway has made Dean think. He clears his throat and catches Cas' eye. Here it goes.

“This thing you and I have. Maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, you know. There could be rules.”

“Rules?”

“Yeah.” Even after planning this all through beer number four he doesn’t know how to say it. “We can’t do relationships, our lives are daily proof of that. But it’s okay if we wanna hook up with each other, as long as we hook up with other people too. And if you feel… something, just feel it for someone else too. It will all balance out.” These rules make sense.

Cas, however, does not appear to think so.

“I know you’re… skeptical, but it’s the best way”, Dean says with conviction. “You’ll see.”

Cas remains on the other side of the room with his arms crossed tightly. Dean gives him a look, licking his lips and slightly popping his hip, because… yeah.

“Unless you’re not interested.”

In less than a second Cas steps towards him, spins Dean around and has him pressed up against the kitchen wall.

“You know I am.”

Cas’ voice is at its crazy lowest as he presses in. And Dean has a sudden, stupid, realization that every time last year when Dean pushed Cas around it was because Cas let him. It goes to his head more than the four beers; this crazy, strong, beautiful angel let Dean push him around. Then Cas kisses him. Right in the middle of the kitchen and Dean doesn’t even mind, more than doesn’t mind – he takes it happily, already grabbing at Cas trying to hold on. It’s been too damn long.

The kissing is noisy, rough, and addictive.

And ends way too soon. Without warning Cas steps back and starts walking away and Dean is left feeling cold and bad. Then Cas turns his head, nodding for Dean to follow while not slowing down himself. Dean jerks to and hurries after almost tripping over his shoes. Not stumbling. Okay, maybe stumbling, kind of. Cas turns his head to look at him again, this time smirking slightly.

When they reach Dean’s bedroom door Cas does one of those magic spin-push-kiss-things again, managing to close the door while getting Dean inside the room and across it towards the bed. One of Cas’ hands is around Dean’s neck and the other's actually gripping his ass. All of Dean agrees that this is fantastic.

They’re already kissing but Dean wants more kissing and takes Cas face in his hands and gives it his best, when suddenly there’s the hard press of Cas’ hand on his chest and then he’s falling backwards, landing on the bed with an actual bounce . Cas steps into the open space between Dean’s legs.

“Do you want this?” Cas says, completely straight-faced.

“Yes”, Dean manages. Holy fucking fuck yes.

Cas reaches to undo Dean’s belt.

“I missed you.”

It comes out weak and sort of shaking, and unfortunately it comes out of Dean’s mouth. Cas’ hands still. The moment stretches out, neither of them breaking eye contact.

“You were gone so long”, Dean says, trying to diffuse the new tension in the room, it doesn’t work. Talking about being possessed by Lucifer rarely does.

“At least I didn’t-“ Cas swallows and doesn’t finish the sentence.

“Hey”, Dean says, reaching out to touch Cas hand. He knows what Cas isn’t saying, Dean went to his death. Or so they thought. “I came back.”

“Yes. You did.” Cas laces their fingers, or maybe Dean does. “I kept our secret from Lucifer.”

“What? How?”

“It was easy. I just gave him everything else. He doesn’t deserve to know... this.”

He leans down and places his lips on Dean’s, soft enough to hurt.


	15. Post 12x10 “Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Lucifer takes the President as his vessel, fathers a child, is stopped by the Winchesters, who are taken captive, and make a deal with a reaper, that Cas breaks by killing her. Then there’s a whole episode on angel-human relationships, for some reason.

NOW

_"Let's drink, and hope we can find a better way."_

They all toast silently and drink, Sam with his trademark woe-is-me face and Cas not far from it either. Dean is always on edge, always expecting the worst, but this, right this second, is alright. They’re not locked in a top secret facility, never to see the light of day again; no one is threatening to kill his family. It could be worse. Could be better too, but then it always could.

“I wish we had jelly beans”, he says. “Sammy, put them on the list for next time.”

“Jelly beans taste like a chemical composition of molecules, even without grace”, Cas says.

Dean makes a noise that’s too high pitched to be a grunt. “Take that back!” Jelly beans are up there with gummy bears for best candy.

“I’m sorry that you can’t handle the truth, Dean.”

“They’re pure delicious jelly sweetness. I’m sorry that _you_ can’t handle the truth.”

“Enough!” Sam says and stands up. “First I have to suffer through a week of silent treatment and then bickering the whole way in the car yesterday and now fighting over freaking jelly beans. No more. You guys are exhausting.” Sam heaves an enormous sigh and leaves. “I’m going to bed.”

They watch Sam go.

“You made Sam _mad_ ”, Dean says.

“ _You_ made Sam mad”, Cas says.

Dean kicks his foot out, hitting Cas’ lightly. Cas kicks back. It quickly turns into a kind of foot war, Dean biting the inside of his cheek to keep from smiling. And Dean can actually feel himself being pulled down further into whatever this is.

It’s been going well. Their lives, as ever, providing plenty of other distractions. What with Cas tracking Lucifer and Dean getting locked up for nearly two months. But it would go even better if Cas stopped putting his life on the line, making Dean worry. What they have is good and Dean doesn’t want to see it get fucked up.

“We’ve got to make an effort to keep this casual”, he says, serious now. “We have rules for a reason.”

“I never agreed to your rules.”

“Come on.”

“You can’t make me.”

True, and Dean isn’t trying to. He just needs Cas to understand that it’s better this way. Where they can’t hurt each other and can’t be used to hurt each other.

“I will keep hooking up with other people”, Dean says bluntly. Keep is a stretch since he hasn’t so far, but he will. And he’ll enjoy it, because he’s Dean Winchester. If only Cas would get it. “It’s already too dangerous. You killing Billie like that, putting yourself in danger for us.”

Cas huffs and crosses his arms.

“I told you, I’m not mad at you. I just want you to be safe.”

“I know you’re not mad”, Cas says. “I’m mad at you though.”

“What for?”

“I don’t know”, Cas says, with perfect sarcasm. “Maybe for making a deal with Billy in the first place, for not blasting us away today. You risk your life so calmly. And so frequently.”

He’s not wrong and, though he’s hardly one to talk, Dean takes pity. He knows how it feels.

“Hey, come over here”, Dean says, stretching his leg to tap Cas foot with the tip of shoe again.

“You come here instead”, Cas says, stubbornly.

It’s a stand-off, a quite ridiculous one with neither of them blinking. Eventually, like he knew he would, Dean gives and starts moving closer to Cas. As soon as he’s within reach Cas hooks a foot around Dean’s chair and rolls him all the way close. It’s awkward with their knees bumping before slotting in beside each other, but it’s perfect.

“Hi there”, Dean says, smirking.

“Hello”, Cas says without looking up, raising a hand to stroke Dean’s arm.

“Will you please just try to-“ Dean starts.

“You do what you want and I’ll do what I want”, Cas says, cutting him off.

Cas’ voice is determined but lacks heat and he keeps stroking Dean’s arm, which feels stupidly nice. It’s just an arm for fucks sake; this is exactly the kind of shit that’ll doom him.

“The more you care, the more you hurt”, Dean says. “It’s the law of the universe.”

“I didn't know where you were for so long”, Cas says softly, ignoring Dean’s warning, his hand moving up to Dean’s shoulder, neck, jaw, tracing Dean’s lower lip with a thumb.

“Ishim called me your human weakness.”

“You are.” Cas meets Dean’s eyes.

Even though Cas doesn’t want to hear him Dean answers.

“That’s the problem.”


	16. Post 12x12 “Stuck in the Middle (With You)”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> There’s a prince of hell, a deadly lance and a dying angel. Knowing it’s over, Cas says I love you, I love all of you. Dean, Sam and Mary watch helplessly. But then Crowley saves his life.

NOW

_“Let’s go home.”_

***

The moan is very loud.

Dean follows Cas over the edge and can’t stop himself from making the drawn-out, howling sound. Cas smiles up at him, happy and sort of proud.

Dean should be a gentleman and go get something to clean them both with but he just flops down on the bed next to Cas

“You know you broke the rules”, Dean says.

Cas frowns. “By almost dying?”

“Yes. No dying, that’s the number one rule.” The black goo tries to make a comeback in Dean’s memory but he pulls Cas close and breathes him in, calming his hammering heart with the familiar feel and scent. “No saying… goodbye and dying.”

“Okay. No saying goodbye and dying”, Cas says.

Finally, something they agree on.

Dean draws away so he can see Cas’ face again, to make sure Cas is real and able to look back. That he hasn’t left him. And there Cas is: Alive and beautiful and holding a smile behind his eyes. And here Dean is: Sticky and not just fine with it but liking it to the point that he kind of resents it when Cas gets a wet cloth to wipe him off.

It’s only been hours since Dean watched helplessly as poison threatened to take Cas and it feels like he’s still standing there, stuck in a moment of disbelief. He reaches for Cas again, he can’t help it. It’s bad how good it feels. Don’t leave me, he thinks but doesn’t say.

A part of him is whispering that this is too much, not safe. But, he reminds himself, he did hook up with that waitress just last week. And it counts, even if some crazy witch took his memory of it. The important thing is that he did it. It proves that this right here won’t be the thing that ends up destroying him completely. 

It’ll be fine. He’ll hold Cas as close as he wants tonight. He can have this, he can.


	17. Early 13x06 “Tombstone”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Kelly Kline, bio dad Lucifer and chosen dad Castiel welcome baby boy Jack to the world. Well, Kelly and Cas die, Lucifer is trapped in apocalypse world with Mary, and Jack is a teenager. It is Supernatural after all. Weeks of intense grief later Dean gets his win – Cas is back.

NOW

_“All right, well. Two salty hunters, one half-angel kid, and a dude who just came back from the dead. Again. Team Free Will 2.0. Here we go.”_

Dean is having a great night. Case in point: he finds his too-seldom-used cowboy hat in the first storage closet he checks. He waves it over his head like a lasso when reentering the library.

“Woot!” That’s an actual woot escaping his mouth and he doesn’t even care. “I’m ready to go!”

Sam looks at him like he’s crazy, Cas with a more perplexed expression, Jack just smiling happily.

“Dean. It’s three in the morning”, Sam says. "We just drove for ten hours straight. We just got Cas back. Now we sleep. Dodge City’ll be there tomorrow.”

Dean’s not even a little bit tired but concedes easily. “Fine. Party pooper.” But not gracefully, of course.

Sam is off to bed less than two seconds later. Dean moves to follow but stops, looking from Cas to Jack. How are they going to do this now?

“I um, I sometimes help Dean sleep”, Cas stutters.

“Oh, I could help Sam.” Jack smiles big and stands up.

“No! He doesn't need as much help. Not as many... nightmares.” Cas looks lost.

“Okay. I’ll just go to my room then”, Jack says with a shrug.

Dean snorts. He’s in too good of a mood to be bothered by Cas almost giving them away.

“Come on”, he says.

Inside the safety of his room he takes Cas by his neck and kisses him. It’s not the best kiss because Dean can’t stop smiling, but he doesn’t think Cas minds. Cas grips Dean’s waist like he used to and it makes Dean smile even bigger until it can’t even be called a kiss anymore.

Dean leans back to look at Cas. He’s certainly not smiling as big as Dean but his eyes are happy.

“We’re gonna have to get you a hat tomorrow”, Dean says, touching Cas’ hair. “It’s gonna be awesome. Oh, I have the perfect tape for the drive, you’ll like it. I should pack my boots, shouldn’t I?”

“Dean. Bed. You’re supposed to be sleeping.”

“Fine.” Dean lets go of the door handle. The boots will have to wait until tomorrow.

He gets ready, stopping every once in a while to give Cas a kiss or a smile. But then he remembers this awesome cowboy tie he’s got stashed somewhere. He really should go look for it.

Cas puts a hand on the door, keeping it closed.

“Do you actually need help falling asleep?” he says.

“What kind of help?” Dean raises an eyebrow.

“The kind where I touch your forehead.”

“How about the kind where you touch me other places?” An eyebrow and a lip pout this time, he’s got no shame.

Cas smiles. “How about in the morning?”

“You’ll be here?” He goes for flirty but it doesn’t quite come across like that.

“I’ll be here.”

Cas reaches an arm out to Dean and Dean involuntarily melts into his embrace.

“I thought I’d lost you”, Dean mumbles.

“You’re not mad then? I broke the number one rule.”

Cas’ voice vibrates through his chest to Dean’s where they’re touching.

“Fuck the rules”, Dean says.

He lost him anyway so, really, fuck the rules.

The mix of feelings is as messy as ever but there is no doubt they are the good kind. There’s something there, wanting him to look closer at it, something complex. But Dean keeps it simple. Cas being back is good. Dean feels good. That’s all he needs to know.

Dean pulls back, smiling again. “How about in the morning _and_ now?”


	18. Post 13x13 “Devil’s Bargain”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Cas shows up telling the brothers that he’s been held captive for weeks by the new ruler of hell, that Lucifer is back from apocalypse world, that Michael from apocalypse world is trying to cross over as well, and that Mary is still alive over there.

NOW

_“At least we know the spell we need is in there and we have a plan.”_

It doesn’t really seem like enough but it’s more than they’ve had in a while - they’re going to save their mother and Jack.

Dean finishes cleaning his gun before standing.

“Well”, he says, “unless we want to pick through Donatello’s leftovers we need food. I’m hitting the grocery store. Any requests?”

“The usual”, Sam says. “And don’t forget avocados.”

Dean makes a face; avocado is much too green to be good food. Donatello doesn’t say anything, but then he has already eaten two buckets full of chicken wings, which unlike avocado deserves some respect. Cas, who rarely eats, is also quiet but he’s looking at Dean.

“Wanna keep me company?” Dean says.

Cas stands and then they’re on their way.

When they hit the intersection Cas looks left, towards the old factory where they’ve ended up more than once, but Dean makes a right, they truly do need food.

At the store Dean grabs one of the rolling carts but stops before going in

“I really am sorry”, he says. “I can’t believe Asmodeus had us fooled for weeks. Had _me_ fooled.”

“You couldn’t have known”, Cas says.

“I should have. You- he always kept the calls so short, and rarely texted me back. But I just thought-”

Not for a second did he suspect Cas wasn’t Cas, he just assumed Cas was finally over Dean’s bullshit and moving on. In some moments he’d even imagined Cas with someone else, following the rules Dean himself had set up. And who was he to argue when he’d done as much himself, twice even. Most recently with that waitress a couple of months back, Lena or Louise or some such. It had happened the last time Cas left, not because he left though. No, he did it because of how bad Cas leaving made him feel, he had to prove it didn’t matter. This time he didn’t find someone else, it never even crossed his mind. He just waited. Except Cas didn’t leave this time. He was imprisoned and Dean didn’t know.

“I just thought you left again.”

“I understand”, Cas says.

Dean can’t make out if Cas understands that Dean assumed he left or that Dean didn’t realize the truth, either way it’s more understanding than Dean deserves. Cas steps close to Dean, touches his shoulder and goes into the store, leaving Dean to follow with the cart.

This store has vegetables right from the start, which Dean doesn’t mind at all. Let Sam’s health crap get squished underneath the good stuff coming later. Cas collects all Sam’s favorites while Dean steers.

At the bread Dean stops again.

“I meant what I said before. Fuck the rules.”

“No rules?” Cas turns to look at Dean.

“Yeah, no rules. Well, maybe just the one. No saying goodbye and dying.”

“Yes. That is a good one.”

Dean gets stuck looking at Cas for a couple of seconds before managing to move on. At the dairy section he thinks of something else. 

“We should probably add one more. No getting kidnapped without letting someone know.”

Cas smiles softly at him. “Maybe we could have a code?”

“What do you suggest?”

”Well, if you text me and don’t get a bee back, you know I’m not me.”

“Your code is that you’ll send a bee every damn time you write to me?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t think that would be an easy one to crack? Anyone could just check the history and see that you always send bees. That you’ve been sending bees since the beginning of time.”

“Hm”, Cas says.

Dean is picking out what looks best among the meats when Cas speaks again.

“My new phone doesn’t have any history saved. Since I died. All y- All the messages are gone, and the photos.”

“That sucks”, Dean says, because it does.

“Excuse me.” A lady in a flowery blouse steps up to them. “Do you happen to have any idea where I might find the cheese spread in a little tube?” She smiles at Cas.

“Yes, I just picked some up myself”, Cas says. “Here, I’ll show you.”

Dean goes on to the next aisle, picking up three six-packs of beer before putting them back and grabbing a whole case. Better safe than sorry. He spends some time choosing several bags of chips, some because they’re classics and others because they have the weirdest fucking flavor combinations. He then has to search a long while to find his favorite jerky. After all that Cas still isn’t back.

Dean finds him in the dairy section happily chatting to flower blouse lady who, upon closer inspection, is hardly older than Dean and rather pretty. What Dean wants to do is walk right up to Cas and kiss him dirty. Instead he stands there at the end of the shelf while flower blouse lady touches Cas arm. 

Except, he’s apparently not standing there because he’s all the way to Cas and the lady now, squeezing his way in between them. Flower blouse lady loses her grip on Cas.

“Hey!” she says, glaring at Dean.

“Dean“, Cas says.

“Ready?” Dean says, running a hand down Cas’ arm from shoulder to wrist, wiping away her touch entirely.

Dean decides they’re done now and heads for the check-out. Cas follows and manages to grab a couple of the fancy sparkling water Sam likes on the way. 

There’s a line.

“She was nice”, Cas says.

“She was playing you.”

“Dean, half the people in the store look at you like they want to take you home.”

“And?”

“And you don’t see me running around like an angry bull smiting them, do you?”

“No.”

“Even though I want to.”

Dean leans on the handle, hanging his head to hide his smile.

“How about this”, he says after a moment, touching his hip to Cas’. “If you ever send a bee with a flower it means that you’ve been kidnapped and require immediate assistance. And if you send a bee with an arrow that’s the all clear.”

“Yes. That could work”, Cas says seriously but a smile is shaping the sound of his voice.

“So if I ever ask if you’re okay and you don’t send an arrow I know someone’s stolen your phone and is pretending to be you.”

“Unless it is a mind reader of some sort”, Cas says.

“Well, in case you’re kidnapped by a mind reader you just hide the code wherever you hide all your other precious secrets”, Dean says.

While the customer in front of them pays, Dean takes his phone out, scrolling past photographs until he finds the one he wants. The old one of him in bed without a shirt, from before they were together even. He sends it and Cas’ phone beeps in response.

Cas looks at him quickly before looking at his phone, smiling. It’s Cas’ favorite, Dean knows. Then Cas lets his hand run down Dean’s back, all the way to his ass.

Dean pretends like nothing is happening and starts unloading their things onto the moving conveyer belt. Halfway through he comes across two big bags of jelly beans that he knows he didn’t put there himself. It's dumb how big he smiles.

They leave the store side by side, Dean still pushing their cart.

”When you didn’t answer my texts I thought maybe you didn’t want me anymore…”

“I will always want you”, Cas answers immediately.

Dean looks around the nearly empty parking lot and then throws an arm over Cas’ shoulders, pulling him close, turning his head to place a kiss at Cas’ temple and it feels like a piece of him long missing falling in place.


	19. Pre 13x17 “The Thing”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> The team has collected two of the four ingredients needed to open a portal to apocalypse world and rescue Mary and Jack, and Dean is feeling optimistic.

NOW

Dean pulls on a pair of jeans and a gray t-shirt but can’t be bothered with shoes. It’s kind of a risk considering everything that happens in these corridors but he’s willing to take it for the convenience of padding down the hall barefoot.

As he rounds the corner to the kitchen he nearly jumps, surprised to find Sam sitting there with one of his gross avocado toasts and a book that’s too shiny and colorful to be about monsters.

“Hey”, Dean says, casual.

“Hey”, Sam says, looking him over. “Where have you been all night?”

“Hm? Just in my room.”

Sam is still inspecting him. “What about Unattached Drifter Christmas? You're not going out there to help all the single ladies forget their loneliness for Valentine's?”

“With everything going on... I'm too old for it anyway.”

“Uh-huh.”

Dean turns his back to Sam’s raised eyebrows but still feels his gaze prickling his neck. He grabs a large bottle of water from the fridge, and then a banana cause he might as well.

“Anyway, I'm just gonna head back to bed”, he says and starts back the way he came.

“Okay”, Sam says, watching him go. When Dean is out the door Sam speaks again. “And Dean?”

Dean backs up a step, looking at Sam. “Waddup?”

“Say hi to Cas for me.”

Time stops. It must, because Dean’s mind is able to think a hundred thoughts and Sam doesn’t even blink. Sam knows. That’s the only conclusion. Dean considers hardcore denial or laughing like it must be a joke. If the information is out and official, they’re not safe. How can Sam know? Have they been too obvious? What does this mean for them now? Suddenly, just as quick as it came, the stress is gone, a cool calm taking its place and he knows the answer. It means nothing. It means Sam knows. It’s fine.

“Will do”, he says.

Dean gives a salute with two fingers, Sam nods and Dean leaves. He feels a little warm, like he might be getting a fever or like he maybe wants to smile.

Back at his room he takes in the sight beyond the door. Cas is laid out on Dean’s bed; hair a mess, blue eyes glittering, body only partly covered by a thin sheet. Dean sets his provisions on the table and climbs onto the bed right beside Cas. Cas immediately reaches for him and Dean obliges but ducks his head to get his lips on the base of Cas’ throat instead, sucking hard enough to leave a bruise where it can be seen. Cas can heal it anytime he wants but from the way he’s cupping the back of Dean’s head and the soft noise he makes, Dean knows he won’t. Dean leans back. 

“Sam says hi”, he says, smiling now.


	20. Early 14x03 “The Scar”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN   
> Lucifer v. Michael, take 2. To save his brother Dean agrees to be the vessel for Michael if he gets to be in charge, surprisingly Michael breaks this super secure deal and takes control of Dean for weeks before suddenly leaving.

NOW

_"Speaking of clean up, I need a shower."_

_"Hey, you..._

_"Still ok. I promise."_

Dean points to Cas as he exists the overcrowded war room full of hunters from another world, leaving Sam’s concern behind along with it. He really does need that shower after sitting in the Impala for the past ten hours.

He washes the dirt and grime and stain of Michael down the drain, getting dressed in a thin long-sleeved shirt and his softest bottoms. Even though he takes his time doing so, his room is still empty when he gets back. It leaves him at a loss. He doesn’t really want to venture out there again so he remains where he is looking around his room, everything familiar and strange at once. His left hand drifts to his right arm and the scar there serving as a reminder of time spent and forgotten. A flood of bad feelings and thoughts build in his mind, wanting to drag him under.

Thankfully, there’s a soft knock then and his door slides open.

“Took you long enough”, Dean says.

“I wanted to give you space.”

Cas steps into the room.

“For future reference, that sign doesn’t mean _give me space._ ”

Dean sounds irritated but he isn’t really, already moving towards Cas.

Cas’ eyes flick down to his mouth once and then Dean kisses him. His senses fill instantly with this, only this. He skips right past soft and sweet, going for clothes and skin and more. Biting, grinding. Both of them are breathing hard within seconds. Dean breaks off to draw a breath and in that instant Cas takes a step back, no longer in kissing distance. He is however in touching distance and Dean’s got his hand around Cas’ neck, Cas’ hands still holding on to Dean’s waist. Cas is regarding him like he can see all the way inside.

“How are you?” Cas says.

“Fine.”

“Dean.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

Dean pulls at Cas’ neck and he comes easy, meeting Dean’s mouth halfway. They’re kissing again and Dean immediately goes back to working on the buttons of Cas’ shirt. But Cas must maneuver them because somehow Cas’ arms end up around Dean and Dean’s forehead ends up resting on Cas’ shoulder. And by the time Dean notices he suspects that they’ve been standing like that for a while.

“I think we should add possession to the rules”, Cas mumbles in Dean’s hair. “No dying, no kidnappings and no possession.”

“Possession sucks.” This is all Dean offers.

He lifts his head to kiss Cas again but Cas keeps it innocent. He moves to kiss Dean’s cheekbone, his eyelid, his mouth again. Just a touch of lips, lingering.

“You’re exhausted”, Cas says softly. “I’ll stay but you need to rest.”

He guides Dean to lie down on the bed and it doesn’t take much for Dean to comply. As Dean watches, Cas finds the old t-shirt and sweat pants he wears because otherwise Dean complains that his dress shirt’s too coarse, the button on his pants uncomfortable, that only weirdos wear socks in bed. They’re Dean’s clothes but Cas has used them so many times they seem like his.

Cas gets into bed beside him. Dean closes his eyes but opens them again directly. The dark behind his lids is full of his hands doing Michael’s bidding; more fantasies than memories but vivid enough.

“I’m not tired”

He smirks and pushes a hand under the covers. Cas catches it before it reaches its target.

“Fine, if you don’t want to!” Dean snatches his hand back, moving away on the too-narrow bed.

Cas easily pulls him back, close once again.

“Dean. I’m going to touch your forehead now“, Cas says.

He waits until Dean gives a small nod, leans down to give him a quick kiss and says: “Sweet dreams.”


	21. Post 14x08 “Byzantium”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Jack gets sick without his powers and dies. The gang finds a way to bring him back.

NOW

_"Just damn glad to have you back."_

_"Yeah."_

_"And we know where Michael is. … That son of a bitch is gonna pay."_

Dean toasts and the guys follow.

It’s good.

He hadn’t expected how much he’d mourn Jack, how thankful he’d be to have him back. It would’ve been easier not to care. The thought flies through his head but is gone again before he even considers it. He does already care for this happy, curious, stubborn kid. Stubborn like a Winchester.

They finish their burgers, even Cas and he doesn’t utter a single complaint about the taste because Dean made them. Then Sam and Jack get into a discussion about some book Dean hasn’t read and at this point Dean’s feelings, which are confused at the best of times, start misfiring. In their happy moment of celebration his eyes start stinging and his throat closes up. It happens so suddenly he doesn’t have any chance of stopping it, he just excuses himself and bolts for his room.

He tries breathing deep, pressing his hands to his eyes, bending over, but it doesn’t help at all. He rests his back against the wall and lets his legs fold, sliding down to the floor. When the first tear falls it isn’t one of happiness. He’s crying for a loss already past, a wrong already righted. He’s crying for what could have been. They nearly lost Jack. Like they’ve already lost so many.

He loses track of time and doesn’t know how long it’s been when he hears Cas’ voice.

“What’s wrong?”

Dean shakes his head. He means to say that it’s nothing but no words come.

Cas deflates like he gets it anyway, understands that this isn’t some problem he can make disappear but just Dean being Dean. Broken. Slowly Cas crosses the room and bends, kneeling at Dean side.

“Dean”, he says low, stroking Dean’s hair, the side of his face, the back of his neck.

And then Dean does somehow find some words.

“I miss Kevin”, is what comes out. And he does, in this moment he misses Kevin like he just lost him. “And Charlie. And Jo.” They were all too young. Adam. The list goes on in his head, the young and the old, the good and the less good, the childhood family he never got to have and the people he only met briefly. He misses them all.

Cas slings one of his legs over Dean’s, straddling Dean on the floor. Dean’s hands come up on their own, grabbing Cas’ hips and pulling him closer. Cas doesn’t say anything as he wipes his thumbs over Dean’s cheeks. Then Dean kisses him. In this position Cas has to bend down for him to reach and it makes it even better. This is a language he’s fluent in.

Dean abandons his grip on Cas’ hip with one hand, sliding it up over Cas’ shirt, feeling the rise and fall of every breath, the soft pulse of every heartbeat.

“Dean, I-“ Cas interrupts himself, breathing hard and looking surprised to have found himself speaking at all. After a long while he finishes with only one word. “You.”

Dean lets it slide. Nothing was said so no harm was done.

Cas clears his throat, standing up.

“Are you going to come back out? Jack wants to play Yahtzee.”

“Again?”

“It’s your fault for never letting him win.”

Dean stands as well, going to the sink to splash water on his face. “Letting kids win teaches them that the world is here to serve them.”

“Let him win tonight or I’m going to-“

“What?” Dean looks up.

Cas swallows, uncomfortable. “I meant to say something very crass about where I was going to put those dice but it was too inappropriate.”

A laugh shoots out of Dean, wild and loud. This is where he says _you’re awesome_ or _it’s good to have you here_ or _don’t ever change_. But he’s already said those things many times and this seems like a moment for something new. The silence is insanely loud when they leave his room. He takes a deep breath.

“I. You.” He says.


	22. Mid 14x20 “Moriah”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Dean is possessed by Michael again and fights to keep him trapped in a mental prison but he escapes and kills the hunters from apocalypse world. Jack defeats Michael and takes his powers but it costs his own soul. And then Jack causes the death of Mary.

NOW

_"There has to be another way."_

_"Well, there's not. Now, I know you don't like it, and I don't really care. 'Cause you just heard it from God himself that this is the only thing that can kill Jack, so either get onboard, or walk away."_

Cas walks away. With a look at Dean, Sam does too.

This is anger. There is no room for anything else.

Dean picks the gun off the table, weighing it in his hand before bringing it with him to his room. He hangs his suit up in its usual place, ready for next time. Only, there won’t be a next time now. Even still, he hangs it.

He can’t say that he should have known it would end like this because he did know. This is the price for letting his guard down. His mother is dead. He will kill Jack, and himself in the process.

The exact moment he doomed them is crystal clear in his memory. Cas, back from the dead, and Sam, also back from a short death, and Dean had managed to rescue his mom and Jack from apocalypse world. They were all safe and fine and then, only for a couple of seconds, Dean had let himself think everything would be okay. For a moment he’d dreamed of peace and beaches and being together. It took all of two minutes after that for everything to fall apart. There was a dead girl and two arch angels set on their destruction and Dean said yes to Michael and nothing has gone right since. He’s being punished for his stupidity. Dean Winchester does not get a happily ever after. Well, enough. He’ll do what needs to be done.

Anger is easier than all other emotions. Anger is pure. Anger keeps you focused.

It’s not breaking the rules either, because he’s not planning to say goodbye.

Anger is good. Dean knows anger.


	23. Post 15x09 “The Trap”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Chuck kills Jack and proves himself to be the real villain of the story. Dean is stuck in his anger causing Cas to move on, until they do an errand in Purgatory and Dean finally makes it right with Cas.

NOW

_“If we can't kill him or trap him...”_

_“Well, then we find another way.”_

All their lives Sam and Dean have taken turns losing and giving hope, when one is down the other lifts him up. And that doesn’t change now. It’s not that Dean’s feeling particularly optimistic; it’s just the right response when Sam is miserable. The fact that Eileen just left certainly doesn’t help.

Too bad, they could have gone on a double date.

Dean chokes on his whiskey at the thought. Cas looks at him like he’s considering if Dean needs healing. Sam looks as well but at least doesn’t seem to think Dean requires his immediate assistance, instead shuffling his feet and rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’m gonna head to bed”, he says.

Dean is still coughing a little, his face warm. He knows the look on Sam’s face. It’s how he himself has been acting around Sam and Eileen the past couple of weeks. Happy for them, sure, but rather not exposed to too much of their couple bliss. Sam’s obviously come to the conclusion that the fight Dean and Cas were having has been resolved.

Dean watches him go. But no couple bliss follows.

They haven’t touched since they made up. While they were racing to save Sam and stop Chuck it didn’t seem strange but looking back he’s less sure. There was a fraction of a second in Purgatory when Dean expected Cas to kiss him but Cas led the way out of there without a backwards glance. In the car Dean had his hand on the seat between them for the whole two hours to the casino and the entire way back to the bunker and Cas never reached for him. And by now, stirring the Whiskey in his glass, Dean is starting to think that nothing might be resolved after all. While Cas did follow Dean to the kitchen when it was clear Sam and Eileen needed a moment, he’s just sitting there. Not touching.

Yet, Cas isn’t moving away. He’s staring at the table again, waiting.

What more is there to say? That Cas was wrong, that Dean does need him and does care? Of course he does. He hesitates, trying to stay on the safe side of a line that keeps moving. 

“When I get angry I say things I don’t mean. That’s not an excuse but it’s the truth and I need you to know that”, he says. He swallows and repeats the part that really matters. “I’m sorry.”

“I know. I heard you”, Cas replies.

“Yeah, but do you forgive me?”

“Of course. You’re my best friend too.”

And there it is, a tick in Cas’ voice. A clue. Dean knows what Cas is waiting for now. But how can he admit that it’s more without giving it a name and making them even more vulnerable? What Dean actually, truly wants is to take Cas on a date. The thought won’t leave. Holding hands on some picture perfect of boardwalk. Kissing in the back of a dark movie theatre. He wants to go camping and build a fire and lay on a blanket side by side, looking at the stars. He wants a cashier to casually ask how long they’ve been together. He wants fucking rings. He can’t have any of that. 

Though he always knew the universe was out to get them it’s still a shock to learn he was right. Well, it wasn’t the universe exactly but Chuck, watching them. They can’t ever let themselves be happy or he’ll punish them. He wants them to suffer. What a truly fucked up life. His anger flares again, but all aimed at Chuck now.

“We can’t have the fantasy”, he says. “We can’t even want it. But we can have this thing.”

“This thing…”

Dean knows he’s not offering enough even before Cas scuffs at him, but then Cas’ face goes soft.

“Alright, I'll be your thing”, he says. “I'll be yours. And you'll be mine.”

He puts enough weight in the words to evoke danger but Dean can’t refuse him.

“Deal.”

“Deal.”

Still Dean needs to say more.

“Did I ever tell you that you’re brave and funny and nice? And hot.” These seem like safe things to say, true but safe. “I’ll try not to behave like a shit again.”

“Oh, we’re allowed to give compliments now?”

Cas finally leans in to touch.

And then another couple of long-held words quietly sneak past Dean’s lips.

“Don’t leave me.”

This is their thing, this thing without a name. This thing with only four rules. No locking yourself in a box for all eternity. Cas made him add this one recently. No being possessed, no getting kidnapped without letting someone know. And the number one; no saying… goodbye and dying.


	24. Post 15x14 “Last Holiday”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> Death has a plan. It involves bringing Jack back to life and taking him through some trails, including one that restores his soul, in order to make him strong enough to beat God.

NOW

Sometimes in life, even in their messed up shit-show of a life, there are little pockets of time when everything is just nice.

Dean wakes to the feel of Cas’ fingers gently drawing a line down his spine. After years of trial and error Cas has finally found the one way to wake Dean that dulls all his reflexes and makes him slow as fucking molasses. Dean keeps his eyes closed, enjoying the sensation. For the moment there’s nothing else to do but this.

“Good morning, honey”, Cas says.

Dean snorts. “Is that a bee-joke?”

“No”, Cas says. “I would never joke about something as important as bees.”

Dean opens his eyes and turns over on his back, folding his arms under his head. Cas is sitting up, leaning on one of his arms, his face hovering above Dean’s.

“I just want you to know that I get a buzz being near you.” Cas is smiling before he’s finished the sentence.

It makes Dean smile too.

“This is not a reward for bad puns”, he says, getting up on his elbows to get closer to Cas. “This is just a thing that happens to happen after you said all that shit.”

“Coincidence. I quite understand.”

Then Dean kisses him.


	25. Post 15x20 “Carry On”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEN  
> First they defeat Billy, but not without a cost. Cas gives his life to save Dean’s, saying I love you. Second they defeat Chuck. Jack absorbs his powers and becomes the new God. And that’s everything worth mentioning.
> 
> _“Why does this sound like a goodbye?”  
>  “Because it is. I love you.”  
> “Don't do this, Cas.”  
> “Goodbye, Dean.”_

NOW

_“I think I’ll go for a drive.”_

With Baby purring all around him he sets off down the dirt road. After a minute he comes to another house. The name on the mailbox reads Tran. He punches the wheel in approval. The next one after that reads Bradbury. Then comes Harvelle. Every mailbox he passes has a name he knows. At several places the road forks to show another stretch of houses going in some other direction. He’ll stop by and see every single one of them but not now. He doesn’t know where he’s going but he knows what he’s looking for. 

Just like that the woods open up to reveal a great lake reflecting the blue sky, all surrounded by trees, with a single small pier extending from the bank. The road ends here and he parks the car. The scene looks familiar, like something he might have dreamt. Slowly he makes his way onto the planks over the water. He could have called to him anywhere he supposes but somehow he knows this is the right spot.

“Hello, Dean.”

The voice comes before Dean’s even begun praying but it doesn’t startle him, he simply turns. The sight of Cas, trench coat and all, hits him hard. He registers the shine of Cas’ eyes and the small smile on his lips but only fleetingly, as he’s already stepping close, taking Cas’ face in his hands and kissing him.

Once, twice, three times, four; peppering him with kisses. Cas hands go to his waist, holding him close. Dean licks Cas’ upper lip and Cas opens his mouth so their tongues can meet. Dean’s hands are moving of their own accord, unable to decide where to go. They trace Cas’ jaw and ears and eyebrows. They reach into Cas’ hair, combing through it. They take a hold of Cas’ shoulders, they squeeze his upper arms, they splay flat on his chest. They keep moving through every flick of tongue and every nip of teeth. Every smack of lips and dark moan drives them on. Cas’ grip on Dean’s waist is like a vise, pulling their hips together.

It’s a long time before Dean steps back and draws a shaky breath.

“Don’t you know that it’s rude to leave before giving the other person a chance to respond”, he huffs.

“My mistake”, Cas says.

Cas is smiling again but Dean isn’t. He’s kind of still struggling to breath and stuck on the fact that Cas is here, here, here.

“You’ve got to stop dying”, Dean says, swallowing. 

Cas tils his head, looking like he has something to say but keeping it in.

“You’re really alright?” Dean says, one of his hands reaching out to touch Cas face again, soft this time.

“Fully restored”, Cas says.

“Yeah?”

“I even have my wings back. Would you like to see?”

Dean simply takes a step back to give Cas space.

He expects to see the dark shadows that blew his mind in their first meeting, that would honestly still blow his mind, but that’s not what happens.

Cas shrugs and actual wings unfold behind him. They’re massive and translucent, like thin sheets of glass shaped into feathers. They have a very pale warm gray tint but they are undeniably see-through and beautiful and not at all something Dean was prepared for. Then Cas shifts, the feathers of his wings rustling and catching the light, and Dean forgets to breath. The wings are every color. Soft purple, sky blue, grassy green, bright yellow, warm orange, pale red. Each color transitioning seamlessly into the next, an endless rainbow with the red going to purple and starting the cycle again. It is, without a doubt, the most stunning thing in all creation. 

Dean finds that he’s shaking but this is very close to a sensation he’s well practiced with and it grounds him.

“Trying to get me excited?” he says, raising an eyebrow.

“What?” says Cas. “No.”

Even with a dozen years on earth he’s as clueless as on his very first day. It’s kind of sweet.

Then the great wings sweep down, bending around Cas to reach for Dean. With a touch more like air than material they flutter down Dean’s body, starting at his head, passing his chest, his back, down to his calves. Dean’s heart is trying to beat out of his chest, his imagination going wild.

“Fuck”, he sighs.

Cas folds the wings into disappearing with a pleased expression. And okay, maybe not completely clueless.

Dean has not yet recovered when Cas’ face changes to serious.

“Dean. What are you doing here?”

Dean’s not so sure about that himself and doesn’t have an answer. “Well you know, things happen”, he says flippantly.

The angel throws his arms up like Dean is being particularly frustrating, but smirks like it’s nevertheless amusing. It’s so much like Dean’s first or second or third or whatever impression of Cas that his chest feels tight.

“You’re hopeless”, Cas says. “I _just_ left.”

That’s all it takes for the joy of the moment to abruptly drain away, kissing and joking giving way to the memory of his nightmare come true: Cas breaking the number one rule, saying… goodbye and dying.

“You broke the rule. You _left_ me.”

The last words don’t want to be said and his voice breaks. Then Cas is there, wrapping his arms around Dean.

“I’m sorry”, Cas says into his shoulder.

Dean’s not sure Cas has anything to apologize for but takes it anyway, along with the kiss Cas gives his cheek. Dean turns his head to meet the second one with his lips. They’re standing in the middle of heaven with who-knows watching but it doesn’t matter. Dean’s been in shock since they won their freedom, focused on the obligation of relief more than relief itself but now he feels it. Chuck can’t hurt him anymore. He’s free.

“I let him live, you know”, he says.

“I know”, Cas says.

Dean takes a step out of their hug to look Cas in the eyes.

“I was so angry and I took it out on everyone. First at Jack. Even though what happened to him wasn’t his fault, it was ours. It happened because of us. Than at you. Because if I’m angry at you, I don’t have to be as angry at myself. And most of all at Chuck. But I let him live. Because of you.”

He could explain further but he leaves it at that. No one has ever, not even Sam, not in his entire life, said such good things about him as Cas did. And now he only wants two things; to believe he’s been worthy of that praise and to keep being worthy.

“I never apologized to Jack”, he confesses. “I said he wasn’t family, ‘cause it made it easier for me to sacrifice him.” He forces the words out even though they make him nauseous. “And now he’s God or whatever, literally the most powerful being ever. Why would he believe anything I say now?”

Cas, who’s been listening closely, smiles now.

“He’ll believe you. He _is_ all-knowing.”

Dean nods but it still doesn’t seem right.

“I used to dream about a future”, he says quietly, “with me, you, the kid. Sammy and Eileen. Beach vacations. Rings. Just life.”

“Rings?” Cas says.

Cas has a decidedly curious look on his face that keeps Dean going.

“I had this dumb fantasy. We’d be in a store or something and a cashier would see our rings and ask how long we’d been together. And I’d say five years or however long. And they’d say that we make a nice couple. And I’d say that I’m a lucky guy.”

Heaven is really silent. Dean lets out a carefree-sounding laugh.

“Guess the secrets out, I’m actually really lame. Sorry to ruin your impression of me.”

Cas is looking at him way too intently.

“No. I know you, Dean. When I made the deal with the Empty I thought a lot about what my true happiness would look like. I thought it’d be a life where you let yourself be happy, free from fear and pain. But that wouldn’t be you and I wouldn’t want that. I love you as you are. All of it. I won’t take you back to earth until you ask me to. Free will and all.” Cas stops to grin. “But you could still have your dream. You can have anything you want. And I will tell that cashier that I’m the lucky one.”

Dean knows this feeling, it's one of the good ones, the best one. It's always been there.

“You never did what you were told”, Dean says, thinking back to what Chuck said. “That’s my favorite thing about you.”

“You're just saying that because you broke the rules too.”

“No”, Dean says. “I'm saying that because I love you.” There’s no hesitation, no reason to hide. He takes a breath and says it again, with more emphasis. “I love you.”

He expects… what does he expect? A kiss, a smile, a happy tear? What he doesn’t expect is for Cas to cross his arms with this amused expression on his face.

“Since when?” Cas says.

“What?”

“When did you fall in love with me?”

Dean has many strengths but reflection and observation are not among them and he doesn’t know the answer to this question. Where does a story start? Is it in this moment or that? His mind goes back to the first time they met, and the second and the third. And every time since then. The answer is there, not in one specific moment but in all of them and the time after one and before the next.

Cas is smiling and it has Dean smiling too, reaching out to take Cas’ hand. And then he gives the only answer he has.

“It happened in the in-betweens.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While writing this I ended up with a spreadsheet full of twelve season worth of canon and headcanon, trying to find the off-screen moments that make the on-screen moments make sense and it was so much fun! This is my very first fanfic, motivated by that horrific ending. (Why? Just why?) I hope you feel that anything really could happen now and thank you so, so much for reading! I'd meant for it to be much shorter but there are just so many possible in-betweens ♥
> 
> P.S. If you want to see Cas' wings, google black jacobin hummingbird


End file.
